Does anyone remember Virginia Woolf’s “Angel in the House?” If you think that all-suffering, wife-and-mother-first (me last) Angel is a Victorian Era issue, think again. In 1931, Woolf lectured that “Killing the Angel in the House was part of the occupation of a woman writer.” But 56 years later, a 27 year old woman wrote on the Internet: “she (Woolf) describes issues that resonate with me, in 2014.” https://www.the-newshub.com/arts-and-culture/virginia-woolf-killing-the-angel-in-the-house Q. How is that possible? After the 19th constitutional amendment, women’s lib, bra burning, and equal pay for equal work (ha, ha), how is it possible that a 27 year old woman in the 21st century could STILL feel so aligned with Woolf’s impassioned plea for freedom of speech?
A. One reason is empathy. Mothers and wives tend to love and feel for members of their family. Because we don’t want to expose others, we muzzle ourselves. We don’t express: our anger, disappointments, or prowess. (Especially not prowess.) If something bad happens, we protect our family members from shame. If something good happens, we’re careful not to interfere or cause embarrassment. Is this sounding like a narrow range of emotional expression?
Maybe it’s time to go back and see who the Angel in The House was supposed to be. According to Virginia Woolf, the Angel was “intensely sympathetic. . . . immensely charming. . . . utterly
unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draft she sat in it—in short she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. . . .”
unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draft she sat in it—in short she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. . . .”
While lecturing in 1931, Virginia Woolf remarked that “it is still expected that women will give up what they have achieved, even their name, for the satisfaction of men and children, all of whom would never exist if it were not for women.”
How much has that expectation really changed? As a blogger writing about my family, I’m always sliding down the slippery slope of protecting others’ privacy while trying to express my perspective on my life. Guess which side wins?
Speaking as Marguerite’s editor (making a cameo appearance), I have definitely felt the muzzle on my own mouth—usually when I’m most passionate. I’ve even consulted a libel attorney. (If you want to find out more about my passions, go to my web site. www.robinreinach.com) Are there any other women out there who feel a tad too angelic? I’d like to invite you all to email me your stories at mkelisofon@gmail.com . I can post your sensitive snippets (anonymously), and express your feelings, even when I can’t post mine. Maybe together all our voices will be heard. After all, we’re still American women and the first amendment belongs to us too.
It could be a lot worse. (See “Perspective,” 5/22/15.) Instead of wearing an invisible muzzle on this sunny, 80 degree day, I could be shrouded from head to toe in a black burka, grateful for the eye holes.
Marguerite Elisofon is a New York City writer and the author of My Picture Perfect Family, a memoir about how her family navigated life with a child on the autistic spectrum before the internet and support groups existed. She also blogs about parenting young adults and disability related issues in The Never Empty Nest. Her writing has been featured in a variety of publications, including Time and NY Metro Parents magazine, and her family’s story has been featured by the NY Post, Fox News, The Daily Mail, and on Jenny McCarthy’s Dirty Sexy Funny radio show. A Vassar graduate, Marguerite was born and raised in New York City, where she still lives with her husband, Howard, in their mostly-empty nest. She is available to speak about a wide variety of issues relating to twins, parenting, and autism. 